Sunday, May 31, 2009

Caring Too Much

A very wise person said that teachers experience burn outs during the first three years because they do not have enough time spaced out for themselves. That we are supposed to find our own self in the process.

I'm not entirely sure why but these few days have taken a toll on my physical, mental and emotional state of being. Burn Out and Hatred of Job!

I feel that I've failed sometimes, I feel that it is extremely hard to accept new opinions, I feel that I'm not really needed sometimes, I feel that I am placing too much pressure on them, I feel that I have not taught them enough and yes, I do feel under appreciated at times.

We, as teachers, are not supposed to crave for appreciation. True indeed and that is something I'm trying to deal with. Previously, I get acknowledged for my effort but now, it is sort of expected when in fact, we feel that we have given or are giving more than required.

Maybe what I need to do is sleep at 9pm like most teachers here. Lantaklah kau boleh bercakap or not, yang penting AKU cukup tidur.

Friday, May 15, 2009

When You Have A Bad Day

I had quite a bad day today... I couldn't speak to my colleagues, tried calling a few close friends but none was reachable. I felt quite disappointed and devastated, up to a point that I wished I could ditch everything.

Then, I had a chat with two boys. Quite close ones. We talked crap but I felt much, much better during and after that half an hour. I remembered my late night sessions at La Zeez with Nabil and Acap, sipping on pseudo-mochas. How we did the same thing but we could talk about anything for hours. I walked away from the scene with a smile and it lasted until late night. Yes, they probably didn't do much but somehow, it meant a great deal to me.

Apparently, I don't need to go far for comfort. I don't even need to ask for it. My source of energy can be found anywhere if I look closely. Sometimes, in the least expected places.

*a wave to Mr Analyst-Consultant, good luck for tomorrow. Hope you nail the job*

Sunday, May 10, 2009

What Is Wrong With Me?

I am the kind of person who usually get what I want and I am so used to being pursued. I hate being terhegeh-hegeh. I hate chasing, I hate joining the run when I don't know about the end. I hate uncertainties.

But they say there comes a time in your life, when you suddenly change. Now, I feel like I'm in a pursuit of such and I kinda dread listening to my own thoughts sometimes. It's not exactly the most blissful thing in the world, to wait in vain. I don't really like the change and I'm afraid that I'll be bored of it. I sometimes cringe at my own actions, like.. enough already.

I need my girls in a conference now.. C'mon.

1 2 3 4 - Plain White Ts

Of Names

Those who are close to me know that I have a pet name among family members, Yen which actually is a shortened version of my original pet name (that will not be disclosed due to safety reason). It used to baffle people so much as it is seemingly an uncommon name. But heck.. What's in a name?

Much, I must say. For example, I feel weird of someone calls me Shirin. It might take me a few minutes to register that it is directed to or meant for me. Well, only Puan Roffini who taught me Maths in Form 3 calls me Shirin, reason being "Shirin" suits me better than "Ana" (yeah, gets to me too!). I still love Puan Roffini though because I thought she put in an effort to analyse what suits me.

So, in turn I remember Puan Roffini until now and often wonder what happened to her. In contrast to her, I used to hate teachers who can't remember students' names because I think it showed that they don't care much. NOW, I know how hard it is actually. Students now usually have 2 or 3 first names and I always ask them what should I call them. Usually, it's the second name that they are familiar with.

But imagine, in my Form 1 Astronomi class, we have 4 Hanifs. To make my job easier, we gave the 4 Hanifs nicknames which are Mr H, Abe, Anip and Iwan. In 4 Ibnu Sina, there's another Hanif who is close friends to Husni and you might have guessed by now that I always switch their names around. They are borderline redha by now..

But it's not just me who is having this problem. If possible, I want my students to address me as Miss Ana and these kids are finding it quite hard to change from Teacher Ana. People, it's wrong to call me Teacher Ana. We don't call an engineer as Engineer Leman or an accountant as Accountant Hamid. We call them Miss, Mr or Mrs. Why the sudden weird exception for teachers?

Another Malaysian culture that is die hard is the "Sir" attached to names. Addressing someone as "sir" per se is fine in a school context as it is widely used in UK and some parts of USA but we don't call someone as "Sir Khalid" unless the Queen bestowed the title upon them. It's a privilege given to a chosen few, not 3000 guys around Malaysia. Us, teachers should be more cautious about that.

So save me the pain and headache, call me Miss Ana. Not "teacher" because like how you want me to remember your name, I'd like it for you to do so too.

*okay.. trivia time.. who can tell what was the original name that my mum wanted to give me? I'd give you chocolates.. tempting, right?*

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Pressure Is On

100 days have passed since Barack Obama has been inaugurated as the President of USA and his performance, undoubtedly, has been scrutinised by all. It is a huge responsibility for the man as he has been eagerly embraced as an agent of change all around the world.

As far as I've read and am currently aware of, Obama has introduced quite well crafted policies focusing on a more human-centred health care programme that doesn't leave people as sickos, establishing security without inciting fear through the abolishment of Guatanamo Bay and inhumane interrogation strategies, a slowed down yet proactive economy system and a strong emphasis on green, new energy. These policies are developed and drafted by a think tank of carefully selected personnel who are either Democrats or Republicans traveled widely or spent their childhood outside America. It makes the government a United Nations in its own right, understanding and emphatising with people or issues they are dealing with.

Heck, the man even appeared on Jay Leno Show! Kau rasalah Dato Seri Najib Tun Razak nak tak masuk that AC Di Sini show? I think I can cut my.. errr.. my students' fingers if he did (Okay, siapa nak selamatkan maruah Miss Ana kalau terjadi?) He also quite rightfully paid a visit to Hugo Chavez, approached cheering crowds and avid fans (read: Sarkozy) all over Central Europe although he is yet to strike a note in Asia (exception to the rally down to Iraq and Afghanistan). However, do note that Hillary Clinton as the Secretary of State flew down to China and then Indonesia during her first trip, thus acknowledging the current government's awareness of what or who is important. China as its position as the next economy powerhouse and Indonesia as the house of largest number of Muslims (250 million and counting...)

Though I have this curious feeling that his election period was more engaging and promising than his current administrating stint. I wish that the Palestine-Isreal issue will be dealt with the same depth as the Afghans, that education policies can be clarified on whether teachers are rewarded based on merit or tenancy and more importantly, a serious look into the "No Child Left Behind" policy that has, as a matter of fact, caused a 30% hike on the number of dropouts since Bush 43's administration. Also a serious talk with Ahmedinejad. Yes, N.E.E.D it. Who am I to tell Obama what to do but I sure wish I could. That is a small hope but I'm sure that feeling is shared by a myriad of people who wants change to be a strong part of their life.

Obama has 1000 days more to go, so we are only at his first 100 metres of 1000 metres race. Only when he has completed the whole yard we can tell whether the man comes out as winner or loser. As with long distance race, we start slow and speed up towards the end. The race is still going on...

My Little 3 Days

I haven't had the opportunity to go back to KL and laze for more than 4 days. Even so, whenever I do go back, my days start as early as 8am and ends at 3am. Even worst than my working days, sometimes...

So during the long weekend recently, I have learnt to drive which is a pretty big deal to me (Aha! Aha!) And guess what? I love driving! I don't know what I was so afraid of. It's like a breeze through the air and I learnt to drive Nabil's manual Wira. It was a great one hour for me (I don't know about Nabil though, maybe he was crossing his fingers that I won't bump into a divider). Still have to work out on manouvering though, quite hopeless with it. Tried driving our auto Gen-2, it's definitely easier but I feel I get a kick out of manual cars (waaah, statement gitu!)

I also managed to go to 2 weddings including Acap's sister's. Kak Fakizah was soooo pretty that I envy her grace on that day. The parents looked elated too although I know they are extremely fatigued. Acap had to leave before the event ended as he had to rush to the airport because he had a test the next day. So we only had one and half hour to catch up and chill. So, that we did! We just sat at the Big Apple outlet in SAAS Airport and laughed our hearts out, basically talking about nothing over a dozen of donuts all sliced up into three parts as well as a cup of hot peppermint tea (obviously!). I say that is bliss, bois.

The Mother was quite busy during the weekend, a woman of her calibre is usually as such. I think she needs a PDA to organise her schedule. Yet still, she managed to find time to spring clean the house which ultimately resulted in the house being in temporary wreck. She was complaining that life was so much easier when I was around (yeah, mummy.. rub it in.. it doesn't sting). Now she feels like she has to do everything on her own. I wished my siblings were more understanding and could help out. Sometimes, I wish I could smack some sense into their heads. The middle child is always the best.. (What? No connection.. Still, I want to say it!)

Also met the darling Aimi after two months. Seeing her only made me miss my other girls moooooore. Durra was supposed to join us but some amuking hindered her from doing so. I shopped in Bangsar but didn't really find something I liked. Takpa, when we meet in June, we are going the paint the town red, yellow, green and blue. Got a hold on Joe Flizzow's President which was very hard to find either in Kuantan or KL. Hung out at Devi's, got free bubur kacang (maybe because regular customer yang dah lama tak nampak, kasih sayang melimpah ruah gitu) and then, head down to Chawan to have the unbelievably awesome nasi lemak bungkus.

I also did another thing I haven't done in quite some time, it was good to just let loose and be lost in it. I felt euphoric for that brief period (pardon the sudden indirectness, get the hint if you can... lalala). However, I didn't manage to catch up with MFG as we were both quite occupied and our schedule just clashed all the way. Owh well, next time perhaps.. June is drawing near... Can't wait to be back :)