Of Many Sleepless Nights

Guilty as charged, I haven't been updating my blog. Namely because I haven't been well for quite some time, both physically and mentally. But as with the purpose of a blog, I should keep it running or else, just shut it down (which was what I have been considering for a while).

Just so it's out and clear, I have been teaching in a integration boarding school in Kuantan for almost a month now. You shouldn't have any trouble trying to figure out which one it is because there's only one SBPI here. The school has a fairly new concept as I've found it tricky to pin it down in the beginning too. The school as the GPK1 has emphasised is "bukan sekolah agama tapi sungguh macam sekolah agama". So you get the idea of how it's run. The school has great, dedicated teachers and staff plus a myriad of bright students. This is in total contrast with the school I've been to during my practicum stint. To adapt, I act in a different manner, behave very differently and dress up differently which leads me to ask myself in the mirror, "who the heck are you?"

But I should still be thankful, no? Well, I tell myself every morning that I should be. But with every occurrence happening in my life that I have no control over, I feel helpless and invariably experience a major want to just ditch things. Not leaving my students, mind you but to be able to be with my loved ones when they need me or when I need them. True to form, some of them might not need me in the sense of the word but I would love to be able to see them when they relate their pain, joy or sorrow.

It has lead to many sleepless nights where I just lock myself in my room and complete my work or read to get my mind off things. Luckily, my students is the thing that keeps me going here. They're really into learning and seem to cherish their English Language lessons. A boy from my Form 4 class had this short conversation with me at the last minutes of my class with them.

Hafiz: Teacher, next teacher takda.. you can continue teaching.
Ana: But I have a class now in 1 Astronomi
Hafiz: Ala, teacher... but we'll miss you laaar.

And that in itself is a steady motivation for me. I hope that I will get better with time and circumstances. Wish me more of well slept nights, people.