Hello, Mr and Miss (as well as Mrs). Looks like the 6 months hiatus has come to an end and much has transpired since I have last written on these virtual pages. For some who might have noticed the absence, why you may ask?
The answer is pure and simple: Abstinence. It was a humbling experience on how to avoid oneself from being too immersed in the digital life trap and from what I have gathered along the way, I have also learnt that keeping mum usually, although not always, will drive you nuts!
So here I am, let's update on what has happened in my life so far. I call the year 2010 as the year of achieving maturity and gathering more wealth, both material and spiritual where I have gained properties and skills that will last me a long time. Never have I thought that I would be able to drive but now, it's a reality. Now an owner of a house and a car, I shoulder more responsibility than I thought I could. Commitment abound, I feel obliged to revise my budgeting and look into new ventures to gain more revenue. So the lesson learnt to be applied next year: more hardwork and less shoe-shopping, y'all.
Though, I feel less healthy this year as I had too many tasks to do at work that sometimes I might forget to take my lunch and dinner. So the figured out solution: bring home cooked meals from home. Hot piping in a brand new food container (okay, that's a new year gift for self).
In the friendship department, all is well. I feel that my relationship with the people around me has improved. Take Eika, for example. Ever since we became housemates, I felt that we have become closer (aku sorang je perasan? hahaha). Kak Aizar and Kak Jia give me the necessary reminders in life. Nabil- simply THE BEST. Nina, the gem has always been there. Durra is the partner-in-crime of all time and talking with you just makes me feel whole most of the time. Aimi- you drive me crazy but again, that's what I love about you. Nisya- you are the cooling factor, man.. hahaha. Most of them are either hitched or getting hitched soon and I am so damn happy for them. Truly, you guys genuinely make me feel loved. Lesson learnt for next year: keep them by your side because these guys are irreplaceable.
In the love department, life hasn't always been great but I do enjoy the ups and bemoan the downs. I just wish that he shows more attention and care, but then again, I might be deemed as too demanding. I can stand 5 months not seeing him and that's because I plainly care too much for him. I may hang around now but I honestly do not know how long I am able to do so. We are phasing into the 3rd year of dating and for most, that's long for a non-committing relationship. A lot of advices have been given, most prodding me on to just look elsewhere for love but I am too certain of my feelings for him. Lesson learnt for next year: just follow your guts and do what your heart says even if it might sound absurd.
Such lessons in life may come in handy for me to reflect on my doings (and undoings, for that matter). The year has been fulfilling and overwhelming, simultaneously. But then again, doesn't that show that your life is lived to the fullest?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Coarse Gentleness, Gentle Coarseness
If you are an avid fan of the P Ramlee movies, especially the comedies, you would not be surprised to discover that the man uses a lot of what would be considered coarse and harsh language today. For example, the infamous “kepala hotak kau berjambul” that does not make any sense what so ever was probably first heard in Seniman Bujang Lapok when the manager, Kemat Hassan scolded a subordinate who could not make it to work that day. It seemed perfectly fine, in fact it incites an intense want to just laugh out loud. It was full of camaraderie and we felt comfortable in the zone. However, have that similar line pronounced by one of our comics today, the rule would be this is a PG13 movie for its harsh or (horror!) vulgar language. Looks like the movies today have been cleaned up or have it not? So, did we just grow much sensitive or did we just decide to think that we’re much more civilised nowadays?
Having read The Malaysian Way of Life where there is one cleverly written article by someone I could not bother to look up now, it was deduced that Malay Language is probably one of the very few languages in the world that does not portray any foul words when it is used in the media which is pretty much on the contrary for many of the users of the language itself. Self censorship is pretty much non-existent and thus signifying why the ubiquitous way of parents punishing their child by “cilikan” their mouth for experimenting with some of the restricted words. It would suffice to say that many of the words used has connections to the genitalia of either male or female or even references to sexual connotations.
But just as the F word in English Language dictionary has developed itself to now be a noun, adjective, adverb from its former function as a verb, the Malay Language has also found its own way to say things in a twofold way that it brings subtle double meanings. So you can restrict what they say in a straight forward manner but you can’t stop them from implying something because they could say it was perfectly innocent. Cunning eyh? Indeed, man finds a way to do what it wants even when it doesn’t appear so. For example, take this scene in the movie MySpy that I watched in the cinemas last year:
Scene: AC and Harun were trapped in a refrigerator without bare minimum clothing on their back. In order to overcome the chill, they decided to hug each other. This was what they said
AC: Kau ada rasa apa-apa tak?
Harun: Kau rasa apa? Aku ada juga terasa...
AC: Kau rasa apa??
Harun: Adalah sesuatu...
The rest of the movie was also filled with dialogues as such and as a movie-goer, it is not inaccurate to point out that elements of racial defamatory, female discrimination, homophobia and discrimination against transgender would be the jokes to poke our hearts in current movies. Needless to say, such kitsch brand of comedy just does not work with me and I reckon also towards a majority of other spectators. However, it is the small kids nowadays that grow up watching these movies that we should worry about because in our effort to stop our children from cursing, we are teaching them to be bigots. Teaching them that when a man hugs another man, there is surely something to worry about. That women who do not have a pretty face cannot wear decent clothing. This stereotype, that perception which now seem to colour the landscape of our current society.
It’s time we rethink what are the underlying values of our societies, whether it is alright to laugh at things that we ought not to because in the end, it is not what you say but how you say it.
Having read The Malaysian Way of Life where there is one cleverly written article by someone I could not bother to look up now, it was deduced that Malay Language is probably one of the very few languages in the world that does not portray any foul words when it is used in the media which is pretty much on the contrary for many of the users of the language itself. Self censorship is pretty much non-existent and thus signifying why the ubiquitous way of parents punishing their child by “cilikan” their mouth for experimenting with some of the restricted words. It would suffice to say that many of the words used has connections to the genitalia of either male or female or even references to sexual connotations.
But just as the F word in English Language dictionary has developed itself to now be a noun, adjective, adverb from its former function as a verb, the Malay Language has also found its own way to say things in a twofold way that it brings subtle double meanings. So you can restrict what they say in a straight forward manner but you can’t stop them from implying something because they could say it was perfectly innocent. Cunning eyh? Indeed, man finds a way to do what it wants even when it doesn’t appear so. For example, take this scene in the movie MySpy that I watched in the cinemas last year:
Scene: AC and Harun were trapped in a refrigerator without bare minimum clothing on their back. In order to overcome the chill, they decided to hug each other. This was what they said
AC: Kau ada rasa apa-apa tak?
Harun: Kau rasa apa? Aku ada juga terasa...
AC: Kau rasa apa??
Harun: Adalah sesuatu...
The rest of the movie was also filled with dialogues as such and as a movie-goer, it is not inaccurate to point out that elements of racial defamatory, female discrimination, homophobia and discrimination against transgender would be the jokes to poke our hearts in current movies. Needless to say, such kitsch brand of comedy just does not work with me and I reckon also towards a majority of other spectators. However, it is the small kids nowadays that grow up watching these movies that we should worry about because in our effort to stop our children from cursing, we are teaching them to be bigots. Teaching them that when a man hugs another man, there is surely something to worry about. That women who do not have a pretty face cannot wear decent clothing. This stereotype, that perception which now seem to colour the landscape of our current society.
It’s time we rethink what are the underlying values of our societies, whether it is alright to laugh at things that we ought not to because in the end, it is not what you say but how you say it.
Oi You
Oi You,
I Love You,
But I'll ruin everything,
If I told you,
Oi You,
I Want To Marry You,
But you'll leave everything,
If I asked you to,
Oi You,
I Sakit Kepala,
Pura-pura I Don't Mind,
Yang You Tak Kisah Too
I Love You,
But I'll ruin everything,
If I told you,
Oi You,
I Want To Marry You,
But you'll leave everything,
If I asked you to,
Oi You,
I Sakit Kepala,
Pura-pura I Don't Mind,
Yang You Tak Kisah Too
Star
“I wish that dad would come back”
Yet another loud whisper woke me up from my deep slumber, adding a sudden pang of ache to my pulsing head. It was rather dark still, with a distant glimmer from the others like little glass beads being showered with astonishing glare of rays. I thought of that hopeful whisper and shut my eyes hard. Maybe I was hoping that there was something I could do about it, maybe I was merely trying in vain to attain more rest. I did not know what I wanted. But I knew everything seemed impossible just as every other quaint murmur- sometimes muffled while others quite piercing- would always distract me from getting more sleep. I rolled over on my resting point and drifted away in my train of thoughts.
Born 7 years ago in Magellan, I have grown up listening to angry pleas and mournful hopes, I was scared and puzzled so I used to scream at night thus waking everyone in the vicinity. They stared at me when I roamed around the town and they mocked my answer when I told them about the voices. Mummy tried to take it all in and raise me up as a mother and father would but I think it got too much for her so she packed up our things and told me that we are going on a visit to Big Momma’s house in Persei. I leaped with joy as we have never gone anywhere but being gone was what she did. She wafted away from me like a puff of smoke as we reached Persei and taking me into her stride, the fiercely wilful Big Momma who was mummy’s closest kith said that I should ignore all those voices, that they were all just inside my head. She told me to withstand the sounds and endure them like a man despite my young age because I am no ordinary kid. I knew I had to fit in and build myself again so I did as I was told. Plainly said, we never talked about it anymore.
I would have never thought of sharing my dreams and fears with anyone here. I just wanted to be like everyone else, just like the hundreds of us in this quiet little city of lights because if you’re different, you stick out like a sore thumb. So I went on with life and played little games with all the others and ignoring the voices I hear as I hopscotch just to batter my limbs, to burst with energy or to explode in anger from time to time. I had to dominate to rise from a lonely spot into a force to be reckoned with. It is never easy to do that but we all try to.
As years passed by, I have grown with a healthy glow about me and I shine like an imaginary pearl glazed with lucent gold. I have knocked out everyone else from the equation to be the most powerful in town for I stole the limelight only for myself. Alas, the voices kept getting louder and more defined as I got stronger. It messed up my head sometimes and I threw some tantrums to stop them but all I get is little ‘ooohsss’ and ‘aaahhhss’ of wonder. Those voices never gave up and continuously coo their songs of yearning without fail. Then, one day, it came: a peculiar revelation as the voices slowly subsided into nothing.
I grew hollow inside and felt lonelier than I ever did before. My spirit dimmed and nothing seemed able to revive it, not even the longest nap I ever had in my life. I suffered in the unfamiliar tranquillity though that was all I wished for all my life. Unable to fathom this, I brought myself to Big Momma’s door. She still beamed with radiance even after all these years. Sensing my distraught manner, she cajoled me in and asked of my wellbeing. I have lost my ability to show weakness so I said in a stiff voice,
“I have not been listening to them. I thought I would be happy but it disturbs me that they don’t. Is there something wrong with me?”
She stood still and let out a heavy sigh, as if heaving out a burden contained in her chest. Her eyes flickered with a malicious secret that receded that sigh, as if it evoked a certain memory that just cornered itself into her mind. She opened her mouth then hesitated to say something.
“You should tell me, Big Momma,” my voice finding a sympathetic tone.
“You’re different, Cygnus. You’re gifted for you have been chosen among all of us to be the Wish. It is their wishes that make you strong and hopeful because with their hopes, you build yours. You see that blue spot there? That is your wishing point where all your wishes come from,”
“But why have they stopped wishing?”
“I do fear that this day will come, when they would give up on hope and become non-believers. When love becomes a stranger and wrath governs for when this happens, they will destroy each other. It is now time for a reminder and it requires a huge sacrifice,”
Big Momma’s eyes were now heavy with grimness. I threw a glance at the blue spot that I have never bothered about before and thought about how I have affected these people.
“I will do it, Big Momma. I will…”
I kissed her cheek and stormed off. She was shouting my name but I was too fast for her. I sped off towards the end of Persei and as I got there, I was quivering with zest. I looked out towards that blue spot that seemed a million miles away and remembered all the prayers I have feigned not to hear before. As all of them came rushing into my mind, I spread out my hands and felt my heart thumping with a million beats of promises. A surge of energy centred on all those hopes and I gloried in all of them. I smiled in the glory and shone into a blinding brightness that shook Persei off her feet. I dazzled in the knowledge that my existence was not in vain, that I was not a freak but I am a saviour.
*****************************************************************************************
“You’re watching CNN War Minutes and you’re here with Randy Miller. Reports have been cited of a possibility that the gleaming ray of light seen on the sky last night for about 5 minutes everywhere around the world was a supernova that erupted in the Chi Persei Galaxy located a billion miles from the Earth. This phenomenon is dubbed as Nova Cygni and convinced that this is a miracle for it is rare occurrence to be seen by the naked eyes, many were found dumping their weapons and flooding mosques, churches and synagogues instead to seek solace while hoping for the world to be a better place. This seems like a sign for a new beginning after years of animosity and let us all hope that hope never fades.”
Yet another loud whisper woke me up from my deep slumber, adding a sudden pang of ache to my pulsing head. It was rather dark still, with a distant glimmer from the others like little glass beads being showered with astonishing glare of rays. I thought of that hopeful whisper and shut my eyes hard. Maybe I was hoping that there was something I could do about it, maybe I was merely trying in vain to attain more rest. I did not know what I wanted. But I knew everything seemed impossible just as every other quaint murmur- sometimes muffled while others quite piercing- would always distract me from getting more sleep. I rolled over on my resting point and drifted away in my train of thoughts.
Born 7 years ago in Magellan, I have grown up listening to angry pleas and mournful hopes, I was scared and puzzled so I used to scream at night thus waking everyone in the vicinity. They stared at me when I roamed around the town and they mocked my answer when I told them about the voices. Mummy tried to take it all in and raise me up as a mother and father would but I think it got too much for her so she packed up our things and told me that we are going on a visit to Big Momma’s house in Persei. I leaped with joy as we have never gone anywhere but being gone was what she did. She wafted away from me like a puff of smoke as we reached Persei and taking me into her stride, the fiercely wilful Big Momma who was mummy’s closest kith said that I should ignore all those voices, that they were all just inside my head. She told me to withstand the sounds and endure them like a man despite my young age because I am no ordinary kid. I knew I had to fit in and build myself again so I did as I was told. Plainly said, we never talked about it anymore.
I would have never thought of sharing my dreams and fears with anyone here. I just wanted to be like everyone else, just like the hundreds of us in this quiet little city of lights because if you’re different, you stick out like a sore thumb. So I went on with life and played little games with all the others and ignoring the voices I hear as I hopscotch just to batter my limbs, to burst with energy or to explode in anger from time to time. I had to dominate to rise from a lonely spot into a force to be reckoned with. It is never easy to do that but we all try to.
As years passed by, I have grown with a healthy glow about me and I shine like an imaginary pearl glazed with lucent gold. I have knocked out everyone else from the equation to be the most powerful in town for I stole the limelight only for myself. Alas, the voices kept getting louder and more defined as I got stronger. It messed up my head sometimes and I threw some tantrums to stop them but all I get is little ‘ooohsss’ and ‘aaahhhss’ of wonder. Those voices never gave up and continuously coo their songs of yearning without fail. Then, one day, it came: a peculiar revelation as the voices slowly subsided into nothing.
I grew hollow inside and felt lonelier than I ever did before. My spirit dimmed and nothing seemed able to revive it, not even the longest nap I ever had in my life. I suffered in the unfamiliar tranquillity though that was all I wished for all my life. Unable to fathom this, I brought myself to Big Momma’s door. She still beamed with radiance even after all these years. Sensing my distraught manner, she cajoled me in and asked of my wellbeing. I have lost my ability to show weakness so I said in a stiff voice,
“I have not been listening to them. I thought I would be happy but it disturbs me that they don’t. Is there something wrong with me?”
She stood still and let out a heavy sigh, as if heaving out a burden contained in her chest. Her eyes flickered with a malicious secret that receded that sigh, as if it evoked a certain memory that just cornered itself into her mind. She opened her mouth then hesitated to say something.
“You should tell me, Big Momma,” my voice finding a sympathetic tone.
“You’re different, Cygnus. You’re gifted for you have been chosen among all of us to be the Wish. It is their wishes that make you strong and hopeful because with their hopes, you build yours. You see that blue spot there? That is your wishing point where all your wishes come from,”
“But why have they stopped wishing?”
“I do fear that this day will come, when they would give up on hope and become non-believers. When love becomes a stranger and wrath governs for when this happens, they will destroy each other. It is now time for a reminder and it requires a huge sacrifice,”
Big Momma’s eyes were now heavy with grimness. I threw a glance at the blue spot that I have never bothered about before and thought about how I have affected these people.
“I will do it, Big Momma. I will…”
I kissed her cheek and stormed off. She was shouting my name but I was too fast for her. I sped off towards the end of Persei and as I got there, I was quivering with zest. I looked out towards that blue spot that seemed a million miles away and remembered all the prayers I have feigned not to hear before. As all of them came rushing into my mind, I spread out my hands and felt my heart thumping with a million beats of promises. A surge of energy centred on all those hopes and I gloried in all of them. I smiled in the glory and shone into a blinding brightness that shook Persei off her feet. I dazzled in the knowledge that my existence was not in vain, that I was not a freak but I am a saviour.
*****************************************************************************************
“You’re watching CNN War Minutes and you’re here with Randy Miller. Reports have been cited of a possibility that the gleaming ray of light seen on the sky last night for about 5 minutes everywhere around the world was a supernova that erupted in the Chi Persei Galaxy located a billion miles from the Earth. This phenomenon is dubbed as Nova Cygni and convinced that this is a miracle for it is rare occurrence to be seen by the naked eyes, many were found dumping their weapons and flooding mosques, churches and synagogues instead to seek solace while hoping for the world to be a better place. This seems like a sign for a new beginning after years of animosity and let us all hope that hope never fades.”
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ahoy, The Competitive Coach!
It is a well known fact about me that I am extremely competitive and I strive for the best in what I am passionate about. All my friends even said that they would never participate in Amazing Race with me for the mere fact that I would drive them crazy with my constant pushing about. However things are not going that well for me lately and “I am sick of being the loser”, would the phrase I would like to shout out now!
Story is we participated in a somewhat prestigious debate competition for certain types of school recently and have managed to prove to everyone that we were able to put up a fight. We beat 4 out of 5 schools in the preliminary rounds and Suhail (woaaahhh, it’s the first time this name is ever mentioned here…) won the best speaker in the 5 aforementioned preliminary rounds.
Come semi-finals, was up against one of the schools that did quite well in the SPM 2009 results and the motion was:
This house believes he who controls the Information Technology controls the world
Our position: Opposition
We nailed it, ladies and gentleman. We sealed the deal but because of the presupposition by some rather narrow minded people, it came across as if we did not deserve to win. Our points were solid and we set plus controlled the motion on that day. No POIs at all from both the first and second ministers of the government and their points were supported by mere sweeping statements with neither facts nor data. We provided data and facts plus reports from United Nations, USA and whatnots while they spoke about Facebook and top-up cards. It was a clear cut win for the Opposition with poor rebuttals from the Government. Call me biased but I do know what I am talking about as 12 years of experience at different levels does come in handy now. Though Suhail was the best speaker, alas, we lost!
The only thing that saddens me is Suhail could not make it to the national levels because of this unjust treatment. If there is a good reason why I want to win this, it would be for him rather than for myself. The guy debated for 5 years, for goodness sake! I think, as his teacher, I have failed to bring him to a better level probably due to my inability to put together a good team for the debate which brings me to point that it is very apparent that my students have a chronic inability to think critically and they are also afraid to live up to the expectation. I had debaters pulling out of the team when I only had a week to go and had to train another girl in that same duration.
Everybody in my school keeps shoving everyone else except for themselves into the team and they would cringe if we identified them to be a debater as if being one is like slitting your own throat. I hate to admit that most of them are cowards who keep putting themselves down and not believing in themselves. I remember when I was in school, we fought for the part to be a debater and being in a community where we had a lot of Chinese and Indian friends, the atmosphere becomes competitive and everyone puts in their best. To be a debater, you really had to debate your way in and such was the practice that I had to succeed in life.
I am going to miss having a Suhail in my team next year and I would hollow out the earth if I have to in order to find someone even half as good as him. It might have been destined that we lost but I am happy that he would be acknowledged as the BEST SPEAKER of the whole competition (you’re just too good, dude!). You did win something and you owe it all to yourself. Anyway, Thank you and congratulations to my debate team who made it to the semi-finals and a heartfelt appreciation for Suhail who made all of these possible. Although I screamed and shouted at them because of my drive to win, they stood by me. Even when I scolded them severely, they smiled at me. Thank you for putting up with the competitive b***h in me and for not turning away when things were at a boiling point. I Love You Guys
Story is we participated in a somewhat prestigious debate competition for certain types of school recently and have managed to prove to everyone that we were able to put up a fight. We beat 4 out of 5 schools in the preliminary rounds and Suhail (woaaahhh, it’s the first time this name is ever mentioned here…) won the best speaker in the 5 aforementioned preliminary rounds.
Come semi-finals, was up against one of the schools that did quite well in the SPM 2009 results and the motion was:
This house believes he who controls the Information Technology controls the world
Our position: Opposition
We nailed it, ladies and gentleman. We sealed the deal but because of the presupposition by some rather narrow minded people, it came across as if we did not deserve to win. Our points were solid and we set plus controlled the motion on that day. No POIs at all from both the first and second ministers of the government and their points were supported by mere sweeping statements with neither facts nor data. We provided data and facts plus reports from United Nations, USA and whatnots while they spoke about Facebook and top-up cards. It was a clear cut win for the Opposition with poor rebuttals from the Government. Call me biased but I do know what I am talking about as 12 years of experience at different levels does come in handy now. Though Suhail was the best speaker, alas, we lost!
The only thing that saddens me is Suhail could not make it to the national levels because of this unjust treatment. If there is a good reason why I want to win this, it would be for him rather than for myself. The guy debated for 5 years, for goodness sake! I think, as his teacher, I have failed to bring him to a better level probably due to my inability to put together a good team for the debate which brings me to point that it is very apparent that my students have a chronic inability to think critically and they are also afraid to live up to the expectation. I had debaters pulling out of the team when I only had a week to go and had to train another girl in that same duration.
Everybody in my school keeps shoving everyone else except for themselves into the team and they would cringe if we identified them to be a debater as if being one is like slitting your own throat. I hate to admit that most of them are cowards who keep putting themselves down and not believing in themselves. I remember when I was in school, we fought for the part to be a debater and being in a community where we had a lot of Chinese and Indian friends, the atmosphere becomes competitive and everyone puts in their best. To be a debater, you really had to debate your way in and such was the practice that I had to succeed in life.
I am going to miss having a Suhail in my team next year and I would hollow out the earth if I have to in order to find someone even half as good as him. It might have been destined that we lost but I am happy that he would be acknowledged as the BEST SPEAKER of the whole competition (you’re just too good, dude!). You did win something and you owe it all to yourself. Anyway, Thank you and congratulations to my debate team who made it to the semi-finals and a heartfelt appreciation for Suhail who made all of these possible. Although I screamed and shouted at them because of my drive to win, they stood by me. Even when I scolded them severely, they smiled at me. Thank you for putting up with the competitive b***h in me and for not turning away when things were at a boiling point. I Love You Guys
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Dignity in An Egg
Have you ever been to one of those motivational camps, where you are given an egg and asked to hold on to it for the rest of the camp? Then, the facilitators or so rightfully shortened into, "Fasis" (hah!) would punish those who did not manage to guard their eggs and then, explain that it is their dignity that the participants have let go of.
A f***ing egg as the symbol of my dignity? So fragile, such foul-smelling creature and a rotten imagery of colours. It is all gelled up together, dripping everywhere when broken, with dried chicken poop covering the egg shell. And that is my dignity?
If there is something that metaphorically should stand as a symbol of my dignity, itc would aptly be a diamond- solid, shiny and almost translucent. Yes, it needs years to be formed but once it's there, it's unbreakable and cuts through steel like nobody's business.. Now, that's a woman's worth!
So if you hear of any camps that has diamonds, give me a buzz.
On a slightly different note, I am an advocate of self-motivation and I don't believe that some nerdy guy with a nasal voice who wears his pants high up to waist can tell me what I need to do to succeed. It comes from within and you seek God's help for that light. You don't need a middleman for that, seriously...
A f***ing egg as the symbol of my dignity? So fragile, such foul-smelling creature and a rotten imagery of colours. It is all gelled up together, dripping everywhere when broken, with dried chicken poop covering the egg shell. And that is my dignity?
If there is something that metaphorically should stand as a symbol of my dignity, itc would aptly be a diamond- solid, shiny and almost translucent. Yes, it needs years to be formed but once it's there, it's unbreakable and cuts through steel like nobody's business.. Now, that's a woman's worth!
So if you hear of any camps that has diamonds, give me a buzz.
On a slightly different note, I am an advocate of self-motivation and I don't believe that some nerdy guy with a nasal voice who wears his pants high up to waist can tell me what I need to do to succeed. It comes from within and you seek God's help for that light. You don't need a middleman for that, seriously...
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Linen of Time
I faded UNDER the linen of time,
When all that would MEAN is losing me,
Hold on, I have NEVER found me,
I have NEVER even searched for me,
I figured that time do CAST a spell,
And bewitches souls that CHANGE for none,
Of all the belittling GLARE under revered eyes,
Though I was ONCE a king, warrior, defender,
But as time blankets the CYCLE of life,
I am neither there NOR here now,
And I Hold My Breath Under The Linen of Time...
For Tut(1341BC-1324BC)
When all that would MEAN is losing me,
Hold on, I have NEVER found me,
I have NEVER even searched for me,
I figured that time do CAST a spell,
And bewitches souls that CHANGE for none,
Of all the belittling GLARE under revered eyes,
Though I was ONCE a king, warrior, defender,
But as time blankets the CYCLE of life,
I am neither there NOR here now,
And I Hold My Breath Under The Linen of Time...
For Tut(1341BC-1324BC)
Saturday, November 07, 2009
The Secret
The grey-haired doctor shuffled through my chart, searching for words to explain his own uncertainties to a bewildered man in front of him. His pockmarked forehead was crinkled by lines of confusion as though asserting my suspicions that whatever was happening to me, it was definitely not one of a normal occurrence. While he puts on his thick glasses, he cleared his throat nervously and his eyes glide across the current sheet he was referring to before they rested intently on me. The air of the small white consultation room located at the end of the second floor of this recently privatised hospital was choking me along with his deep gaze.
“So, you have been experiencing this blood vomiting for almost a month?”
“Yes… Indeed. It has been exactly 29 days but no one can ever tell me what is wrong with me. I can handle anything so just tell me, doc”
He could sense my desperation for the truth through that quiver in my voice yet there was little he can say. He relayed an answer given by all the medical practitioners I have visited in the past month which is “We could not find anything wrong with you”. I got on my feet and turned my back on the doctor who was still perplexed with his own inability to determine my disease despite being highly recognised as the best in his field. Well, to me, he was only my 5th doctor who brought me nothing but further qualms of my condition. It seemed fruitless then to enquire further because I knew that I would only be further subjected to a series of inconclusive tests.
I dragged myself along with my thoughts back to my village. It was a silent journey of bus changes and taxi mounting before I had to take the humble roads that could only be traversed by feet. The moon was overtaking the sun as my torch and when I was at the edge of the village, my limp was slightly emphasised as I strolled hastily past Nek Bidah’s lavish abode that would be fitting for kings of yesteryears. Nevertheless, Nek Bidah would still know I am here. She always does, doesn’t she?
“Rosman, why are you walking so fast? Don’t you want to come to say hi to this old lady?” cried a coarse voice affected by many years of tobacco addiction.
I turned around to face the 107 year old woman who was flashing her perfect teeth to me in an evil grin. As soon as I saw her unbelievably smooth, olive skinned face, the urge to vomit overwhelmed me again as always when I pass by in front of this house. A light bulb was switched on in my head. Yes! It has always been right here, when I was going by in front of this house daily after work that I would throw up pools of blood. My head spun like a spinning top. My twenty-year-old frame could not take it anymore. Inadvertently, I had to stoop and give in to the offensive impulse yet another time.
I could feel her long nailed fingers rubbing my back, easing me during the process of discarding the unwanted off me. I could smell the fragrant jasmine that always adorns her hair without fail all these years as I grew up watching her. Nek Bidah is a cousin of my great grandmother but they have never been on the same page ever since Nek Bidah married a shaman who practiced black magic in my village. I also heard through the grapevines that Nek Bidah killed her own husband about 50 years ago as she developed the burning desire to become better than he was in sorcery. With that, she became one and she was rather famed across the country for her ability to dispel one from the surface of the Earth with a snap of her fingers. I suddenly got the chills when I realised those are the same fingers trying to relieve me from my misery.
I wanted to leap free from her but oddly, I felt relaxed and at ease with her. I turned to look at her and I almost fell out of horror. With bubbles frothing from her mouth, Nek Bidah was chanting what seemed like gibberish I could not comprehend with her blood shot eyes popping out from their socket. Realising my terror, she grabbed my right hand with her left hand firmly and held my neck with her other free one. Her vigor was so tremendous for a woman her age that I was lifted off the ground and was gasping for my breath. My hands were all over the place, reaching out for hope of being saved that seemed like a thing with feathers right now. I felt as if I would die in another few seconds so instinctively, I said a few prayers to God.
At the very instant, she let go of me and shrieked as if she was burning in flames. She rolled on my vomit that has become a puddle on the sandy ground and she was scratching her own face with her nails until it was bleeding. I was under a sense of shock and fled from the scene immediately. While running away, I glanced behind me to see Nek Bidah was writhing on the ground and shouting profanities. With my new found courage and strength, I darted off like a cheetah towards my own house at the other end of my ancient village. My heart was pounding with the intensity of my own speed and as I reached the veranda of my house, I fainted on the floor.
In the headlines the next day:
“A 107 year old woman was found dead in a horrifying state in Kampung Danau, Kuantan yesterday. The deceased was identified as Bidahtun Thajuddin who has been living alone for the past 50 years and is said to have no direct heir or next of kin to claim her body at the nearest hospital. Anyone who has any information about the death could notify the nearest police station as it is a suspected homicide”
Mother was dabbing some Axe brand oil on my forehead and lamenting on about how Nek Bidah was looking for someone to inherit her “saka” or guardian devil that has been taking care of her possessions all this while. The only reason why she has lived for more than a century was because she could not find a new master for the devil who lives on its master’s fresh blood. Mother recalled that the devil would have to devour the blood for 30 days and then, it will obey everything its new master says.
I was on a whirlwind of emotions. I just lost my voice and looked at my bruised hand, wondering what would have happened otherwise.
“So, you have been experiencing this blood vomiting for almost a month?”
“Yes… Indeed. It has been exactly 29 days but no one can ever tell me what is wrong with me. I can handle anything so just tell me, doc”
He could sense my desperation for the truth through that quiver in my voice yet there was little he can say. He relayed an answer given by all the medical practitioners I have visited in the past month which is “We could not find anything wrong with you”. I got on my feet and turned my back on the doctor who was still perplexed with his own inability to determine my disease despite being highly recognised as the best in his field. Well, to me, he was only my 5th doctor who brought me nothing but further qualms of my condition. It seemed fruitless then to enquire further because I knew that I would only be further subjected to a series of inconclusive tests.
I dragged myself along with my thoughts back to my village. It was a silent journey of bus changes and taxi mounting before I had to take the humble roads that could only be traversed by feet. The moon was overtaking the sun as my torch and when I was at the edge of the village, my limp was slightly emphasised as I strolled hastily past Nek Bidah’s lavish abode that would be fitting for kings of yesteryears. Nevertheless, Nek Bidah would still know I am here. She always does, doesn’t she?
“Rosman, why are you walking so fast? Don’t you want to come to say hi to this old lady?” cried a coarse voice affected by many years of tobacco addiction.
I turned around to face the 107 year old woman who was flashing her perfect teeth to me in an evil grin. As soon as I saw her unbelievably smooth, olive skinned face, the urge to vomit overwhelmed me again as always when I pass by in front of this house. A light bulb was switched on in my head. Yes! It has always been right here, when I was going by in front of this house daily after work that I would throw up pools of blood. My head spun like a spinning top. My twenty-year-old frame could not take it anymore. Inadvertently, I had to stoop and give in to the offensive impulse yet another time.
I could feel her long nailed fingers rubbing my back, easing me during the process of discarding the unwanted off me. I could smell the fragrant jasmine that always adorns her hair without fail all these years as I grew up watching her. Nek Bidah is a cousin of my great grandmother but they have never been on the same page ever since Nek Bidah married a shaman who practiced black magic in my village. I also heard through the grapevines that Nek Bidah killed her own husband about 50 years ago as she developed the burning desire to become better than he was in sorcery. With that, she became one and she was rather famed across the country for her ability to dispel one from the surface of the Earth with a snap of her fingers. I suddenly got the chills when I realised those are the same fingers trying to relieve me from my misery.
I wanted to leap free from her but oddly, I felt relaxed and at ease with her. I turned to look at her and I almost fell out of horror. With bubbles frothing from her mouth, Nek Bidah was chanting what seemed like gibberish I could not comprehend with her blood shot eyes popping out from their socket. Realising my terror, she grabbed my right hand with her left hand firmly and held my neck with her other free one. Her vigor was so tremendous for a woman her age that I was lifted off the ground and was gasping for my breath. My hands were all over the place, reaching out for hope of being saved that seemed like a thing with feathers right now. I felt as if I would die in another few seconds so instinctively, I said a few prayers to God.
At the very instant, she let go of me and shrieked as if she was burning in flames. She rolled on my vomit that has become a puddle on the sandy ground and she was scratching her own face with her nails until it was bleeding. I was under a sense of shock and fled from the scene immediately. While running away, I glanced behind me to see Nek Bidah was writhing on the ground and shouting profanities. With my new found courage and strength, I darted off like a cheetah towards my own house at the other end of my ancient village. My heart was pounding with the intensity of my own speed and as I reached the veranda of my house, I fainted on the floor.
In the headlines the next day:
“A 107 year old woman was found dead in a horrifying state in Kampung Danau, Kuantan yesterday. The deceased was identified as Bidahtun Thajuddin who has been living alone for the past 50 years and is said to have no direct heir or next of kin to claim her body at the nearest hospital. Anyone who has any information about the death could notify the nearest police station as it is a suspected homicide”
Mother was dabbing some Axe brand oil on my forehead and lamenting on about how Nek Bidah was looking for someone to inherit her “saka” or guardian devil that has been taking care of her possessions all this while. The only reason why she has lived for more than a century was because she could not find a new master for the devil who lives on its master’s fresh blood. Mother recalled that the devil would have to devour the blood for 30 days and then, it will obey everything its new master says.
I was on a whirlwind of emotions. I just lost my voice and looked at my bruised hand, wondering what would have happened otherwise.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Aduhai Anak-Anak Aku
This is very disappointing but I just discovered that one of my colleagues has been a serious victim of slander among students. What more, they were boys. She was said to be asking personal question as she was supposedly so desperate and interested in finding a boyfriend. To add salt to wound, the boy who started this calumny was actually someone who was considerably close to my colleague.
Bois, bois.. You guys continue to give us reasons to change our perception on all of you. Why do you have to be so bad mouthed? Foul in the language that you use to talk about your teachers? Even though you don't say it directly to her, it still brings the same defamatory effect to her. I know her and I know she is happy with her current life. She doesn't need anyone's brothers as a boyfriend.
Freaking 16 year olds yet still very much immature. Addressing teachers with just their names behind the teachers back. "Eh, Ana Shirin dah sampai ke?" Kau ingat kitaorang ni adik-adik kau?
I can only guess what they will talk behind my back but just know that we crack our heads and hearts in the continuous effort to give you the best. If you guys continue to break it needlessly, it is not impossible that you can deter our spirits to teach. I might peter out because of you guys.
Bois, bois.. You guys continue to give us reasons to change our perception on all of you. Why do you have to be so bad mouthed? Foul in the language that you use to talk about your teachers? Even though you don't say it directly to her, it still brings the same defamatory effect to her. I know her and I know she is happy with her current life. She doesn't need anyone's brothers as a boyfriend.
Freaking 16 year olds yet still very much immature. Addressing teachers with just their names behind the teachers back. "Eh, Ana Shirin dah sampai ke?" Kau ingat kitaorang ni adik-adik kau?
I can only guess what they will talk behind my back but just know that we crack our heads and hearts in the continuous effort to give you the best. If you guys continue to break it needlessly, it is not impossible that you can deter our spirits to teach. I might peter out because of you guys.
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Change is Gonna Come
An attention seeker, I am... Attention giver, you are.
To all my form four students, the blog for ALL of you is now here. I just figured that there is no sense to have two separate blogs for one sole purpose. Don't be lazy, go there now.
Anyhow, mates.. What happened to Much Ado?? Come on, let's spice it up again!
To all my form four students, the blog for ALL of you is now here. I just figured that there is no sense to have two separate blogs for one sole purpose. Don't be lazy, go there now.
Anyhow, mates.. What happened to Much Ado?? Come on, let's spice it up again!
Blogging to Blog
This house believes that all teachers should have a blog.
I'm now in a Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan (LADAP) on how to build a blog. Woaaah, I feel so high-tech all of the sudden. I know what some people need courses for.. Hehehe
Alamak, that was counted as a brag, no? Takpa, takpa, no one likes a know-all. I'll just pretend that I don't know a thing about the topic. Maybe that can make more people to be relaxed, especially moi who is half-smirking at the poorly functioning LCD projector.
This blog has been a great avenue for people to get to know me, do I want more to do so? eerrmm.. n
Motion: Denied
I'm now in a Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan (LADAP) on how to build a blog. Woaaah, I feel so high-tech all of the sudden. I know what some people need courses for.. Hehehe
Alamak, that was counted as a brag, no? Takpa, takpa, no one likes a know-all. I'll just pretend that I don't know a thing about the topic. Maybe that can make more people to be relaxed, especially moi who is half-smirking at the poorly functioning LCD projector.
This blog has been a great avenue for people to get to know me, do I want more to do so? eerrmm.. n
Motion: Denied
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Mind Crunching
Papadom is probably one of the best thing ever invented in the world. Something spicy yet crunchy. It's versatile as it goes with most Malay+Indian cuisines and it's almost everyone's cup of tea.
Same goes to the movie which borrows that Malaysian household name, Papadom by Afdlin Shauki. With the exception of SumoLah, I have never missed out on any Afdlin's movie (either as a cast or a director) and although Papadom is not my absolute favourite, the movie has succeeded in trying to achieve its objective and pass on the message. After I finished watching it, I thought of texting my loved ones to say I love them because I don't know when I would lose them. Alas, my battery was almost out so I decided to do it later (which I never got around to, of course)
Liyana Jasmay was a bit errmmm.. well, childish for my liking but I guess that is because her character requires her to be a bit manja (I know she's a talented actress but I think she had a much, much better performance in Histeria by James Lee). Que Haidar is probably my favourite person in this movie, adding another highly-characterised role under his belt. Wajib Tayang is, indeed, the epitome of all losers who are winners.
When you watch the movie and see how the cinematography was brilliantly coupled with ingenious story telling, a normal, typical tale comes to life in what feels like your own family crisis yet a bit detached so that you can be objective and pick up the moral values signal they are cleverly transmitting to you. Love and appreciate your love ones but allow them the opportunity to be free and make their own mistakes.
I think it's not too late to text all those people in my life now...
Same goes to the movie which borrows that Malaysian household name, Papadom by Afdlin Shauki. With the exception of SumoLah, I have never missed out on any Afdlin's movie (either as a cast or a director) and although Papadom is not my absolute favourite, the movie has succeeded in trying to achieve its objective and pass on the message. After I finished watching it, I thought of texting my loved ones to say I love them because I don't know when I would lose them. Alas, my battery was almost out so I decided to do it later (which I never got around to, of course)
Liyana Jasmay was a bit errmmm.. well, childish for my liking but I guess that is because her character requires her to be a bit manja (I know she's a talented actress but I think she had a much, much better performance in Histeria by James Lee). Que Haidar is probably my favourite person in this movie, adding another highly-characterised role under his belt. Wajib Tayang is, indeed, the epitome of all losers who are winners.
When you watch the movie and see how the cinematography was brilliantly coupled with ingenious story telling, a normal, typical tale comes to life in what feels like your own family crisis yet a bit detached so that you can be objective and pick up the moral values signal they are cleverly transmitting to you. Love and appreciate your love ones but allow them the opportunity to be free and make their own mistakes.
I think it's not too late to text all those people in my life now...
Go With The Flow
But how if the flow is slow? Absolutely slow and you feel that you need to give it a push. Really, really give it a push...
I have taught where I have been teaching for about 10 months and I wish that I could literally push the kids from one place to another. Moving from the lab to the class is when they take the opportunity to take a stroll in the park, causing teachers to wait 10-15 minutes for them to come in. And not an inch of regret is shown on their face, as if I should be alright with them coming in late.
For me, I try to be as punctual as I can with the teaching periods and would usually reach at least two minutes beforehand. I think that is one way to show that you look forward to teaching and you appreciate the students. Sadly, it's not mutual. They probably never looked forward to learning anything.
The students like to complain about the administrators and the system but they themselves do not realise that they are one of the reasons why the system is as such. Slow as a snail, sleeping during prep time and they say they have given their best. Their best, my foot. No wonder they are not achieving.
I studied in a normal daily school which some of these students look down upon but I think I have learnt to be more human and in constant hunger for excellence. I have learnt to be independent and not under appreciate all those that my teacher has given me. The papers I photostated, the notes I've produced, the activities I thought of..
Next year, I am going to teach like all those other teachers. Buy a freaking workbook and finish it up.
I have taught where I have been teaching for about 10 months and I wish that I could literally push the kids from one place to another. Moving from the lab to the class is when they take the opportunity to take a stroll in the park, causing teachers to wait 10-15 minutes for them to come in. And not an inch of regret is shown on their face, as if I should be alright with them coming in late.
For me, I try to be as punctual as I can with the teaching periods and would usually reach at least two minutes beforehand. I think that is one way to show that you look forward to teaching and you appreciate the students. Sadly, it's not mutual. They probably never looked forward to learning anything.
The students like to complain about the administrators and the system but they themselves do not realise that they are one of the reasons why the system is as such. Slow as a snail, sleeping during prep time and they say they have given their best. Their best, my foot. No wonder they are not achieving.
I studied in a normal daily school which some of these students look down upon but I think I have learnt to be more human and in constant hunger for excellence. I have learnt to be independent and not under appreciate all those that my teacher has given me. The papers I photostated, the notes I've produced, the activities I thought of..
Next year, I am going to teach like all those other teachers. Buy a freaking workbook and finish it up.
Demeaning The Meanie
Do you happen to know some people who have some kind of inferiority complex and try to overcome it by looking down on you? They ask questions in a degrading way, for example:
"Ewwww, you pakai ke baju ni keluar jalan-jalan kat KL? Kalau I, I tak pakai."
This is just one of those nasty comments when you bought something just recently and you kinda like it, in fact you know it looks good on you. But they just continuously try to make you question yourself. Sometimes, you ask them a question and they make this puzzled, your-question-is-incomprehensible face. Kenapa ya? Rasa bagus sangat ka?
After knowing my awesome friends who have been in my life for between 6-13 years, all these new people I meet are starting to get on my nerves so much so that I cringe seeing their faces daily. All those backstabbing, bitching and talking...
It just made me realise that I love my friends (Nin, Durs, Sya, Mi, Bil, Cap) too much, there's no match for their patience and love.
"Ewwww, you pakai ke baju ni keluar jalan-jalan kat KL? Kalau I, I tak pakai."
This is just one of those nasty comments when you bought something just recently and you kinda like it, in fact you know it looks good on you. But they just continuously try to make you question yourself. Sometimes, you ask them a question and they make this puzzled, your-question-is-incomprehensible face. Kenapa ya? Rasa bagus sangat ka?
After knowing my awesome friends who have been in my life for between 6-13 years, all these new people I meet are starting to get on my nerves so much so that I cringe seeing their faces daily. All those backstabbing, bitching and talking...
It just made me realise that I love my friends (Nin, Durs, Sya, Mi, Bil, Cap) too much, there's no match for their patience and love.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Realising The Mistakes We Make...
When we are able to make choices and be all we wanted, we become as obsessed as we would be with any new fixation. We always try to find new endeavours to challenge ourselves and optimistic with all the positive callings in life.
But sometimes, we forget that we do all these choices without taking into consideration all the people around us. If we do, we suspect that we will be held back and we think we will not progress in life.
I realise that I must look at each and everyone in my life. You, I have fallen in love and now, life is different.
But sometimes, we forget that we do all these choices without taking into consideration all the people around us. If we do, we suspect that we will be held back and we think we will not progress in life.
I realise that I must look at each and everyone in my life. You, I have fallen in love and now, life is different.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
That Awesome Oprah Video!
I've always wanted to do a mob squad, I think it was a plan that me and 'Ainur never really put into action. But this is seriously cool, enjoy this awesome idea that happened just earlier this month. Credits to Harpo Production
Whip Them All, Boy!
Yeah, I've decided to go on a hiatus to take a break on dishing out the dirt on someone else but this is something that has been lurking at the back of my mind for a while.
This one woman that created such an onslaught of bickering and defending by contrasting parties. Kartika, she is.. Havoc, she wrecked by drinking in public. How public was it? I am not entirely sure as Cherating usually indoor pubs (aku tahu ke benda ni? owwhh.. tidak!)
It just got me thinking, all these while I have been hanging out at various spots in KL and have seen Malay (which presumably are Muslims-yeah, the constitution says so.. pi baca if tak caya) gulping down bottles of Heineken while playing poker in really open food courts. So much to say that it has become such a usual sight and no one turns twice anymore.
Although personally I do not practice alcohol as I have an intense hatred of the substance, I did not see the problem as something that I personally have something to do with. I assume almost everyone in my circle of friends do not drink or has stopped the habit. Hence, I always thought enforcement has been poor and more action should be taken by the authorities to curb the situation.
But as Kartika attracts so much international and local attention, I become to wonder if this country is even ready to accept the laws that have been outlined for the general good. I am sure that a lot of people are all for the caning but for the fear of being called an extremist, they succumbed to being quiet (urrmm.. I am feeling a bit hot too). Somehow, caning a chick seems just too mean and doesn't protect her human rights, no?
So it baffles me as to why after Kartika, there has been no cases reported of the same punishment being implemented. Have people learned their lessons from Kartika's episode or they have just became smarter to not drink publicly? Answer to both is NO. Through a random visit to a few spots implied afore in this post, things have not changed. The effectiveness of such publicised penalty could not reach its aim. Thus,
I strongly feel, as any educationist would agree, that continuous re-enforcement should be able to increase the ability of the implementation of the law and the authority should not be afraid of staying by the book.
Whip not just one girl, Whip them all equally.
*as always, this is a personal opinion. Take no offence, we're all here for each other's good*
This one woman that created such an onslaught of bickering and defending by contrasting parties. Kartika, she is.. Havoc, she wrecked by drinking in public. How public was it? I am not entirely sure as Cherating usually indoor pubs (aku tahu ke benda ni? owwhh.. tidak!)
It just got me thinking, all these while I have been hanging out at various spots in KL and have seen Malay (which presumably are Muslims-yeah, the constitution says so.. pi baca if tak caya) gulping down bottles of Heineken while playing poker in really open food courts. So much to say that it has become such a usual sight and no one turns twice anymore.
Although personally I do not practice alcohol as I have an intense hatred of the substance, I did not see the problem as something that I personally have something to do with. I assume almost everyone in my circle of friends do not drink or has stopped the habit. Hence, I always thought enforcement has been poor and more action should be taken by the authorities to curb the situation.
But as Kartika attracts so much international and local attention, I become to wonder if this country is even ready to accept the laws that have been outlined for the general good. I am sure that a lot of people are all for the caning but for the fear of being called an extremist, they succumbed to being quiet (urrmm.. I am feeling a bit hot too). Somehow, caning a chick seems just too mean and doesn't protect her human rights, no?
So it baffles me as to why after Kartika, there has been no cases reported of the same punishment being implemented. Have people learned their lessons from Kartika's episode or they have just became smarter to not drink publicly? Answer to both is NO. Through a random visit to a few spots implied afore in this post, things have not changed. The effectiveness of such publicised penalty could not reach its aim. Thus,
I strongly feel, as any educationist would agree, that continuous re-enforcement should be able to increase the ability of the implementation of the law and the authority should not be afraid of staying by the book.
Whip not just one girl, Whip them all equally.
*as always, this is a personal opinion. Take no offence, we're all here for each other's good*
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