Last weekend, The Mother asked me to clean up a few boxes of my stuff which I left when I flew to Sydney in 2006. I reluctantly did so knowing how much precious time watching toons with my nephew and sister has to be wasted on the tedious task but being the super-nice daughter that I am, I just followed The Mother's instruction and paksa fifi+aidid to teman me cleaning the stuff up (although they end up making more mess than there already is :p)
I must say the cleaning up process revealed a lot of things I didn't realised about myself 5 years ago. I came across scribbles of my poems in some random notebooks (which I used to collect), notes I wrote to friends, cards people made/bought as a dedication for me, pictures of childhood and schooling memories, letters I wrote but never did send... It all brought back an array of feelings which caused me to reach a state of disbelief regarding how much different I used to be.
I could almost see myself bright-eyed answering all those questions in my coursebook with all my enthusiasm and optimism of changing the world someday. There is an unmissable faint scent of determination and dedication in every piece of work, major or minor. Each of my journal and reflection contained too much of myself in it. I was so genuinely eager to please everyone that I didn't manage to refrain myself from constantly showing it to the whole wide world. I chuckled at my own naive interpretation of the world and how much it was going around the same circle to reach the same point again. I could say that I was still in the 2nd stage of Kohlberg's Moral Development where I am conflicting and building my interpersonal accord and conformity although at that time, I perceived myself as belonging to a higher level.
I believe now if I were to be given the same tasks I went through in my Foundation years, I would respond differently... Very differently, indeed. Although there is still a tad of egocentrism, I have come to view the world a whole lot more widely and understand that things often do work in an almost antithetic way than I assumed them to be. I'm not saying that life is much more gloomier now, in fact it's much more easier to lead because I try to deal with it in a neutral and non-utopian way. Reaching this level of maturity that enables me to look back and analysing myself for reflection is something I never thought I'd do as I always told myself not to live in the past. But who are you kidding because it's also the past that makes you able to compare whether you are a better or worst person today.
Indeed, change is the thing that shows the path you've lead and will be leading in your life. Hopefully, my path will be guided by Allah s.w.t and so will all my loved ones so that we don't transgress too far away.