Monday, March 07, 2011

An Open Letter of An Open Heart

I woke up, quite startled as I was rudely jolted from a long dream. A dream I didn't necessarily wanted to escape from because in that particular reverie, I could see you. I can't quite remember what we were up to but after 4 months of not seeing you, it felt surreal to be able to share a space albeit it was imaginary or rather, a subconscious hope that still lingers. A hope that I have falsely built in my being for the past 4 years- that you, of course, will not be held responsible for because you have never said anything.

4 years would have been a long time for either of us to decide what was best for us, whether we were given the opportunity to grace each others' life forever. But I have refused to see the real picture and I blame myself for not being able to acknowledge that we might not last. I blame myself for perceiving the signals that I assumed meant a reciprocated feeling and I blame myself for falling in love when it was uncalled for.

I remember that you would make me feel like a teenager on the early mornings when we had a date as I would sing along to cheesy pop tunes while smiling and grooming for the upcoming hours that I have been looking forward for three months. The distance just made me love the prospect of seeing you and observing what changes have curtailed in you. Then I would hear stories about people I haven't met and listen to whatever is on your mind. I would eat and you would.. watch! Then I would talk and you would listen back. It was like table tennis, I know. And I could just be myself with you, no pretension of any sort because that is how I wished you could be with me. I loved your jokes, the way you'd sometimes be moody for no reasons and your wild imagination. It was refreshingly great for me to be with a man like you.

Alas, after a few years, you probably then came to realise that I am not the one hence we ought to readdress whatever we have shared and voila- I am suddenly your friend. You used to make my life fulfilled that when we decided to let this go, there is this huge hollow void in me. But I have this funny feeling that you are moving on quite well, that my absence actually gives you some freedom and liberation. Currently, I don't know what hurts more- the idea of not being with you or the thought that I have been chaining you down for God-knows-how-long. For all those phone calls and texts that were left unattended, it's evident of your reluctance of even reserving a tiny space for me. I kicked myself for continuously degrading myself by doing so but as all men and women who have to experience this crazy feeling of letting go, I would finally remind myself that I am unwanted by you.

All of those thoughts ran through my head in a wild few minutes, with my emotions shattered into pieces. I wiped a lone tear and clipped my hair as I head for a shower because a new day is beginning. A fresh start needs to be made but it was all led by a single notion- you.


Siti Roffini said...

It's a phase most of us have to go through. You'll get over it, Insya Allah. Life is full of surprises. Cheer up, girl!

Darsh said...

Just stumbled across your blog.

Chin up Leo. You are too tough for this. I may not know your whole story and I sure don't know you as much as I'd love to, BUT I do know that you ARE one tough cookie and women like you forge ahead to be an inspiration and a model to others. Yes, it's tough, yep, it's heartbreaking but you will learn, you will forgive and you will move on (although you don't have to forget-I never do haha).

I give you my biggest hug ever.

Make a name for yourself lady. I'm holding you to that =) Loads of love from one who has fallen and risen (countless times as well).

Nina Samad said...

time to write something delightful, Miss Ana Shirin =)