Sunday, November 25, 2012
I am currently a wife to a doting husband and yes, I learnt that life works in mysterious ways. I have also been taught gently that Love is possible and ever so precious after going through hardships and downfalls. My husband, Rusyaidi Husni Abdul Latib, who is a proud self-proclaimed kampong boy, hails from Seremban (not so kampong, you say?). We met through a mutual friend, Rijal whom I have not met since 2006. One night in June 2011, I just randomly decided to ask Rijal to hang out in Bangsar and Rusy just happened to tag along. One thing led to another and after 2 weeks, Rusy and I were already planning to get married! Not so long after that, we got hitched on 10th March 2012, about 9 months after knowing each other.
Why so impulsive, you may ask? I, for one, was one of those sceptics who would never buy it if I was told that you can decide to marry a person whom you've just met 10 days ago. I used to think that marriage is a huge deal that must be dealt with really well and pondered upon heavily. I used to be so scared of the notion of spending your life with someone you barely know, thinking that the misunderstandings would definitely be frequent. Yet, there was something about my husband and I that just seems to click. I was not pretentious with him and neither did we hide under any kind of projected image that we thought the other would like. He told me things that he liked or disliked and I was quite struck at how calm I was listing down all his ideas :p
I could still remember my mother's reaction to it. Her daughter would never made a rushed decision, so she looked me into the eye and asked me this; "Dah fikir dalam-dalam ke?" or "Have you given it a deep thought?". I guess any mother would ask the same to her child who suddenly alerts her on the news that her daughter would like to wed a man whom she had just known for 14 days. I am sure my mother in-law was equally baffled when my husband relayed the news to her. But I took just a couple of minutes to succintly explain that we have given it the deepest thought and that we would like our feelings to be realised into a lawful relationship. Not sure if my husband took longer than that, though.. hahaha.
Miraculously, I was saved without a single scratch as mum had cast her protective arms over me during the collision. While we were trapped in the car, I could see a deep cut on her forehead but she still managed to smile at me, probably to let me know that everything will be alright. Just as she was about to say something, she drew her last breath and at that very instant, she was gone. When the paramedics arrived, she had already died due to internal bleeding and a severe skull fracture.
Monday, March 07, 2011
I woke up, quite startled as I was rudely jolted from a long dream. A dream I didn't necessarily wanted to escape from because in that particular reverie, I could see you. I can't quite remember what we were up to but after 4 months of not seeing you, it felt surreal to be able to share a space albeit it was imaginary or rather, a subconscious hope that still lingers. A hope that I have falsely built in my being for the past 4 years- that you, of course, will not be held responsible for because you have never said anything.
4 years would have been a long time for either of us to decide what was best for us, whether we were given the opportunity to grace each others' life forever. But I have refused to see the real picture and I blame myself for not being able to acknowledge that we might not last. I blame myself for perceiving the signals that I assumed meant a reciprocated feeling and I blame myself for falling in love when it was uncalled for.
I remember that you would make me feel like a teenager on the early mornings when we had a date as I would sing along to cheesy pop tunes while smiling and grooming for the upcoming hours that I have been looking forward for three months. The distance just made me love the prospect of seeing you and observing what changes have curtailed in you. Then I would hear stories about people I haven't met and listen to whatever is on your mind. I would eat and you would.. watch! Then I would talk and you would listen back. It was like table tennis, I know. And I could just be myself with you, no pretension of any sort because that is how I wished you could be with me. I loved your jokes, the way you'd sometimes be moody for no reasons and your wild imagination. It was refreshingly great for me to be with a man like you.
Alas, after a few years, you probably then came to realise that I am not the one hence we ought to readdress whatever we have shared and voila- I am suddenly your friend. You used to make my life fulfilled that when we decided to let this go, there is this huge hollow void in me. But I have this funny feeling that you are moving on quite well, that my absence actually gives you some freedom and liberation. Currently, I don't know what hurts more- the idea of not being with you or the thought that I have been chaining you down for God-knows-how-long. For all those phone calls and texts that were left unattended, it's evident of your reluctance of even reserving a tiny space for me. I kicked myself for continuously degrading myself by doing so but as all men and women who have to experience this crazy feeling of letting go, I would finally remind myself that I am unwanted by you.
All of those thoughts ran through my head in a wild few minutes, with my emotions shattered into pieces. I wiped a lone tear and clipped my hair as I head for a shower because a new day is beginning. A fresh start needs to be made but it was all led by a single notion- you.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Held by a refusal of weakness
As I asked myself over again
Of the impossibility of this
Yet it's all there for us to see
No matter how blind we are
The season of loneliness sets in
Yet again with no warning of sorts
Threatening the soul abiding within
No more blooming, no sunshine
No clear skies, no chirpings,
Silence abound, darkness engulfing
The tears plead on to the soul
Asking to be released just once
As the lonely season seems calling
For a companion on his land
Those tears whisper on
'maybe we can shy away this season
Drench it out & chase it there'
The soul gives in to the reason
The pool overflows the banks
Hoping for the season to leave
Thursday, December 16, 2010
why do i say it's merciless, you ask? well, it's because the P sign pasted on my car means nothing to other drivers, maybe they think my P stands for 'pelumba' instead of 'percubaan' as they expect that i must be able to cilok through any roads without hesitations. yes, i have passed the JPJ test successfully but i feel that experienced drivers should cut us some slacks and give us some opportunities to master the skills of driving. some drivers just love to tailgate us, new drivers, with a smirk on their face. Abang rasa jantan ya bila buat mcm tu?
and i bet that any good citizen who feel that law is something fundamental and somewhat sacred, will agree that drivers in Malaysia are forced to continuously break the rules or else, risk being road bullied or ridiculed by others. the roadsigns mean nothing, the speed limit seems to be a sore loser who screams silently in its red & white reminder. no one gives a damn about the rules as though whatever they have learnt during those 8 gruelling hours at the driving schools seem to go out the window when dealing in real life situation.
yet i have to remind myself against my own frustration that almost everything we learn theoretically would usually be something else when applied in practical terms. not much of what we have learnt in school or college are in any way a parallel to real life, right? so, why did i become such an idealist when i very well knew that what appeared in books can only prepare me so much while the rest depends on me?
maybe the idea that i am deemed as inadequate to compete while at the same time risking many lives on the road seem to be weary and dreadful because i am usually turned on by the idea of being in control (hence i chose being a teacher instead the owh-so-depending-on-the-judge-lawyer.) How do i overcome the frustration while being objective if people continue to push me into doing things that i disdain?
for these two roads that i have in front of me do not seem to be appealing at all- one to be a wreckless and selfish driver who might endanger my life while the other to be a driver who follows rules but honked and sneered at all the time.
jomlah kita pening sama-sama and figure this out.
Monday, December 13, 2010
'This place looks like a trash can'
The sight of pop corn being left scattered all over the place with the empty containers left dangling on the edge of the seats and the drink packets just lying helplessly on the floor. It was as if people who watch the movies just expect the place to clean up by itself, ala wonderland in Disney cartoons but then again, I always get that nudge on my side saying that "they have cleaners, Ana".. Wait, are those MY friends giving the comment? Yup, apparently so.
What is that disease that we have that we seem so intent to make sure that these people have a job-cleaners and sweepers etc? And we also seem so keen on making them work so hard to earn their salary while you waltz away, sneering at their jobs when in fact, our world would be a dumpster if they weren't around. Having foreign workers as the dominant group involved in this field also certainly does not add value to their contribution to society as people continuously mock the sacred cleanliness that we all should practice.
What I find appalling might be normal to you as we all grew up depending on the cleaners to literally clean up after us but honestly, how hard can it be for us to just pick our own trash? Remember when we were studying abroad, we owh-so-obligingly picked up our tray of fast food litters to be tossed into the can without batting an eyelid but do it here, you get stares from the crowd that finally you just succumb to not doing so for fear of being called a freak.
But I say let's all be a freak now and learn to accept these small responsibilities. Only when we can do so, we will feel that we own this country as our home, not as somewhere we intend to just make a pit-stop. If you are walking down a street and you see a piece of paper, pick it up and if you must, wash your hands after wards (or use that sleek hand sanitiser stashed deep in your bag). If you see a cleaner cleaning up a toliet, offer to hold the door for her because I think even you feel nauseous cleaning your own toilet of your own shit.
Let's all start somewhere now. This is a reminder for me, you and you that small acts lead to great changes, a flicker of light can shine a whole prairie if only we see the power of what we can do.
The answer is pure and simple: Abstinence. It was a humbling experience on how to avoid oneself from being too immersed in the digital life trap and from what I have gathered along the way, I have also learnt that keeping mum usually, although not always, will drive you nuts!
So here I am, let's update on what has happened in my life so far. I call the year 2010 as the year of achieving maturity and gathering more wealth, both material and spiritual where I have gained properties and skills that will last me a long time. Never have I thought that I would be able to drive but now, it's a reality. Now an owner of a house and a car, I shoulder more responsibility than I thought I could. Commitment abound, I feel obliged to revise my budgeting and look into new ventures to gain more revenue. So the lesson learnt to be applied next year: more hardwork and less shoe-shopping, y'all.
Though, I feel less healthy this year as I had too many tasks to do at work that sometimes I might forget to take my lunch and dinner. So the figured out solution: bring home cooked meals from home. Hot piping in a brand new food container (okay, that's a new year gift for self).
In the friendship department, all is well. I feel that my relationship with the people around me has improved. Take Eika, for example. Ever since we became housemates, I felt that we have become closer (aku sorang je perasan? hahaha). Kak Aizar and Kak Jia give me the necessary reminders in life. Nabil- simply THE BEST. Nina, the gem has always been there. Durra is the partner-in-crime of all time and talking with you just makes me feel whole most of the time. Aimi- you drive me crazy but again, that's what I love about you. Nisya- you are the cooling factor, man.. hahaha. Most of them are either hitched or getting hitched soon and I am so damn happy for them. Truly, you guys genuinely make me feel loved. Lesson learnt for next year: keep them by your side because these guys are irreplaceable.
In the love department, life hasn't always been great but I do enjoy the ups and bemoan the downs. I just wish that he shows more attention and care, but then again, I might be deemed as too demanding. I can stand 5 months not seeing him and that's because I plainly care too much for him. I may hang around now but I honestly do not know how long I am able to do so. We are phasing into the 3rd year of dating and for most, that's long for a non-committing relationship. A lot of advices have been given, most prodding me on to just look elsewhere for love but I am too certain of my feelings for him. Lesson learnt for next year: just follow your guts and do what your heart says even if it might sound absurd.
Such lessons in life may come in handy for me to reflect on my doings (and undoings, for that matter). The year has been fulfilling and overwhelming, simultaneously. But then again, doesn't that show that your life is lived to the fullest?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Having read The Malaysian Way of Life where there is one cleverly written article by someone I could not bother to look up now, it was deduced that Malay Language is probably one of the very few languages in the world that does not portray any foul words when it is used in the media which is pretty much on the contrary for many of the users of the language itself. Self censorship is pretty much non-existent and thus signifying why the ubiquitous way of parents punishing their child by “cilikan” their mouth for experimenting with some of the restricted words. It would suffice to say that many of the words used has connections to the genitalia of either male or female or even references to sexual connotations.
But just as the F word in English Language dictionary has developed itself to now be a noun, adjective, adverb from its former function as a verb, the Malay Language has also found its own way to say things in a twofold way that it brings subtle double meanings. So you can restrict what they say in a straight forward manner but you can’t stop them from implying something because they could say it was perfectly innocent. Cunning eyh? Indeed, man finds a way to do what it wants even when it doesn’t appear so. For example, take this scene in the movie MySpy that I watched in the cinemas last year:
Scene: AC and Harun were trapped in a refrigerator without bare minimum clothing on their back. In order to overcome the chill, they decided to hug each other. This was what they said
AC: Kau ada rasa apa-apa tak?
Harun: Kau rasa apa? Aku ada juga terasa...
AC: Kau rasa apa??
Harun: Adalah sesuatu...
The rest of the movie was also filled with dialogues as such and as a movie-goer, it is not inaccurate to point out that elements of racial defamatory, female discrimination, homophobia and discrimination against transgender would be the jokes to poke our hearts in current movies. Needless to say, such kitsch brand of comedy just does not work with me and I reckon also towards a majority of other spectators. However, it is the small kids nowadays that grow up watching these movies that we should worry about because in our effort to stop our children from cursing, we are teaching them to be bigots. Teaching them that when a man hugs another man, there is surely something to worry about. That women who do not have a pretty face cannot wear decent clothing. This stereotype, that perception which now seem to colour the landscape of our current society.
It’s time we rethink what are the underlying values of our societies, whether it is alright to laugh at things that we ought not to because in the end, it is not what you say but how you say it.
Yet another loud whisper woke me up from my deep slumber, adding a sudden pang of ache to my pulsing head. It was rather dark still, with a distant glimmer from the others like little glass beads being showered with astonishing glare of rays. I thought of that hopeful whisper and shut my eyes hard. Maybe I was hoping that there was something I could do about it, maybe I was merely trying in vain to attain more rest. I did not know what I wanted. But I knew everything seemed impossible just as every other quaint murmur- sometimes muffled while others quite piercing- would always distract me from getting more sleep. I rolled over on my resting point and drifted away in my train of thoughts.
Born 7 years ago in Magellan, I have grown up listening to angry pleas and mournful hopes, I was scared and puzzled so I used to scream at night thus waking everyone in the vicinity. They stared at me when I roamed around the town and they mocked my answer when I told them about the voices. Mummy tried to take it all in and raise me up as a mother and father would but I think it got too much for her so she packed up our things and told me that we are going on a visit to Big Momma’s house in Persei. I leaped with joy as we have never gone anywhere but being gone was what she did. She wafted away from me like a puff of smoke as we reached Persei and taking me into her stride, the fiercely wilful Big Momma who was mummy’s closest kith said that I should ignore all those voices, that they were all just inside my head. She told me to withstand the sounds and endure them like a man despite my young age because I am no ordinary kid. I knew I had to fit in and build myself again so I did as I was told. Plainly said, we never talked about it anymore.
I would have never thought of sharing my dreams and fears with anyone here. I just wanted to be like everyone else, just like the hundreds of us in this quiet little city of lights because if you’re different, you stick out like a sore thumb. So I went on with life and played little games with all the others and ignoring the voices I hear as I hopscotch just to batter my limbs, to burst with energy or to explode in anger from time to time. I had to dominate to rise from a lonely spot into a force to be reckoned with. It is never easy to do that but we all try to.
As years passed by, I have grown with a healthy glow about me and I shine like an imaginary pearl glazed with lucent gold. I have knocked out everyone else from the equation to be the most powerful in town for I stole the limelight only for myself. Alas, the voices kept getting louder and more defined as I got stronger. It messed up my head sometimes and I threw some tantrums to stop them but all I get is little ‘ooohsss’ and ‘aaahhhss’ of wonder. Those voices never gave up and continuously coo their songs of yearning without fail. Then, one day, it came: a peculiar revelation as the voices slowly subsided into nothing.
I grew hollow inside and felt lonelier than I ever did before. My spirit dimmed and nothing seemed able to revive it, not even the longest nap I ever had in my life. I suffered in the unfamiliar tranquillity though that was all I wished for all my life. Unable to fathom this, I brought myself to Big Momma’s door. She still beamed with radiance even after all these years. Sensing my distraught manner, she cajoled me in and asked of my wellbeing. I have lost my ability to show weakness so I said in a stiff voice,
“I have not been listening to them. I thought I would be happy but it disturbs me that they don’t. Is there something wrong with me?”
She stood still and let out a heavy sigh, as if heaving out a burden contained in her chest. Her eyes flickered with a malicious secret that receded that sigh, as if it evoked a certain memory that just cornered itself into her mind. She opened her mouth then hesitated to say something.
“You should tell me, Big Momma,” my voice finding a sympathetic tone.
“You’re different, Cygnus. You’re gifted for you have been chosen among all of us to be the Wish. It is their wishes that make you strong and hopeful because with their hopes, you build yours. You see that blue spot there? That is your wishing point where all your wishes come from,”
“But why have they stopped wishing?”
“I do fear that this day will come, when they would give up on hope and become non-believers. When love becomes a stranger and wrath governs for when this happens, they will destroy each other. It is now time for a reminder and it requires a huge sacrifice,”
Big Momma’s eyes were now heavy with grimness. I threw a glance at the blue spot that I have never bothered about before and thought about how I have affected these people.
“I will do it, Big Momma. I will…”
I kissed her cheek and stormed off. She was shouting my name but I was too fast for her. I sped off towards the end of Persei and as I got there, I was quivering with zest. I looked out towards that blue spot that seemed a million miles away and remembered all the prayers I have feigned not to hear before. As all of them came rushing into my mind, I spread out my hands and felt my heart thumping with a million beats of promises. A surge of energy centred on all those hopes and I gloried in all of them. I smiled in the glory and shone into a blinding brightness that shook Persei off her feet. I dazzled in the knowledge that my existence was not in vain, that I was not a freak but I am a saviour.
“You’re watching CNN War Minutes and you’re here with Randy Miller. Reports have been cited of a possibility that the gleaming ray of light seen on the sky last night for about 5 minutes everywhere around the world was a supernova that erupted in the Chi Persei Galaxy located a billion miles from the Earth. This phenomenon is dubbed as Nova Cygni and convinced that this is a miracle for it is rare occurrence to be seen by the naked eyes, many were found dumping their weapons and flooding mosques, churches and synagogues instead to seek solace while hoping for the world to be a better place. This seems like a sign for a new beginning after years of animosity and let us all hope that hope never fades.”
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Story is we participated in a somewhat prestigious debate competition for certain types of school recently and have managed to prove to everyone that we were able to put up a fight. We beat 4 out of 5 schools in the preliminary rounds and Suhail (woaaahhh, it’s the first time this name is ever mentioned here…) won the best speaker in the 5 aforementioned preliminary rounds.
Come semi-finals, was up against one of the schools that did quite well in the SPM 2009 results and the motion was:
This house believes he who controls the Information Technology controls the world
Our position: Opposition
We nailed it, ladies and gentleman. We sealed the deal but because of the presupposition by some rather narrow minded people, it came across as if we did not deserve to win. Our points were solid and we set plus controlled the motion on that day. No POIs at all from both the first and second ministers of the government and their points were supported by mere sweeping statements with neither facts nor data. We provided data and facts plus reports from United Nations, USA and whatnots while they spoke about Facebook and top-up cards. It was a clear cut win for the Opposition with poor rebuttals from the Government. Call me biased but I do know what I am talking about as 12 years of experience at different levels does come in handy now. Though Suhail was the best speaker, alas, we lost!
The only thing that saddens me is Suhail could not make it to the national levels because of this unjust treatment. If there is a good reason why I want to win this, it would be for him rather than for myself. The guy debated for 5 years, for goodness sake! I think, as his teacher, I have failed to bring him to a better level probably due to my inability to put together a good team for the debate which brings me to point that it is very apparent that my students have a chronic inability to think critically and they are also afraid to live up to the expectation. I had debaters pulling out of the team when I only had a week to go and had to train another girl in that same duration.
Everybody in my school keeps shoving everyone else except for themselves into the team and they would cringe if we identified them to be a debater as if being one is like slitting your own throat. I hate to admit that most of them are cowards who keep putting themselves down and not believing in themselves. I remember when I was in school, we fought for the part to be a debater and being in a community where we had a lot of Chinese and Indian friends, the atmosphere becomes competitive and everyone puts in their best. To be a debater, you really had to debate your way in and such was the practice that I had to succeed in life.
I am going to miss having a Suhail in my team next year and I would hollow out the earth if I have to in order to find someone even half as good as him. It might have been destined that we lost but I am happy that he would be acknowledged as the BEST SPEAKER of the whole competition (you’re just too good, dude!). You did win something and you owe it all to yourself. Anyway, Thank you and congratulations to my debate team who made it to the semi-finals and a heartfelt appreciation for Suhail who made all of these possible. Although I screamed and shouted at them because of my drive to win, they stood by me. Even when I scolded them severely, they smiled at me. Thank you for putting up with the competitive b***h in me and for not turning away when things were at a boiling point. I Love You Guys